


Not alone

by freebirddean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 09:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17041370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freebirddean/pseuds/freebirddean





	1. Not Alone

“Stop pushing me away, Dean!” The yelling match had been going on for hours now. Her voice was trembling and her throat ached. It was nothing compared to the ache in her heart. This was always the same argument between the two of them. It was only louder and harsher as time went on. “You are not alone, you know! I’ve been here this whole damn time!” Her cheeks were red and she could feel the warmth down her neck and in her ears as well. There was pain and rage all mingled within such a fragile petite frame. 

She was hopeless, utterly lost when it came to Dean Winchester. She watched him slowly drifting out of her reach, watching him fade away into a darkness she had never seen before. She cried herself to sleep, alone in her bed, afraid of what each day would bring. Her Dean, the man she had fallen in love with was gone and she didn’t know how to save him. No matter how much she tried to tell him that she was on his side, that she would carry him through whatever it was that he was going through. And every day, he would deny her, take up his burdens and get lost in his own stormcloud and rain. 

She once had a place in his life. She was his warmth in a cold world, his light when everything around him was dark. She had helped him through so much just like he had carried her through so much. He promised never to leave her, to always catch her when she fell. And now, all her dreams of a future with this man were broken, only pain and heartache left behind to keep her company. 

The good times with Dean were now just a fading memory. She could remember the days when she would hold him in her arms, keep away the nightmares and wash away his tears. She had stood by his side for years being more than just his friend, she had been his rock, his lover, his savior. And now, how was he repaying her? Leaving her to sleep alone in a cold bed while she grieved the loss of a man she had to see every damn day. Her entire world was slipping away right before her very eyes and no matter how much she tried, there was no relief from the misery.

No matter how many times she claimed to be there, it was no use when he refused to be with her. And after all this time, she was finally at her breaking point. She had been standing on the edge for too long, holding on to something that was clearly pointless. She was so close to letting go, so close to backing down from her promise and just leaving. She was done feeling like a stranger in the one place she had always called home. As she stood across the room from the green eyed hunter, she could see only indifference, complacency, and darkness. She tried to remain just as cold and hard as he was, but she was still fully human, still wrecked with emotions, still yearning for him. 

All she got in return were the eyes of someone who couldn’t care less. And that was what broke her heart the most. “You’ve never been alone.” This time when she speaks, she tries her hardest not to let her lip quiver. Her tone was less brash but more weak. She felt so small in that moment standing before one of the best men she knew, overtaken by his burdens and overcome by the evil he fought everyday. She wasn’t sure when she lost him. Whether it was the day he took the Mark, his bond with Amara, or hell, even before that. It was always meant to lead them here, to this moment. 

“You done?” His gruff voice caused a shiver to coarse down her spine, but it wasn’t a good shiver. He hadn’t caused a pleasurable response in her for months. Now, he only elicited fear and anger. All he caused her was misery. Even Sam didn’t know what to do anymore. He was just forced to sit back and observe, watch as his brother and the woman he considered his sister, to slowly break apart. Dean just stood there in his military stiff stance, his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Yeah. I’m done.” Her lips twitched almost with a snarl before she spun on her heels and walked from the room. Dean’s eyes rolled and his arms fell to his sides. Sam couldn’t say a word, he just stared at his big brother with utter shock and horror. He didn’t know this man. The man he knew, the hunter he grew up with would never be like this, never say the things he’s said to her. It was understandable why she would be done, why she would finally let go of him and leave. But Dean wasn’t the only one losing her. 

The room remained silent, Dean taking his spot at the table behind his laptop once again. Sam watched him with a heavy heart as he sat at the other table. The tension was thick between the two of them but neither of them addressed it. It wasn’t until she returned to the large room that both sets of eyes lifted. Sam stood, panic in his eyes when he spotted the bag in her hand and the tear stains on her cheeks. The only reaction she could see from Dean was the slight bob of his Adam's apple when swallowed. What that was supposed to mean, she wasn’t sure but it was nowhere near enough to even think of staying. 

She ignored Dean now, keeping all her focus on telling her little brother goodbye. His embrace was breathtaking and desperate, as if holding her would make her stay. He could understand why she would leave, and he wanted her to be happy and if this was what it took, he couldn’t stop her. It didn’t make his heart hurt any less or keep the tears away. She hiccuped quietly as she tried to keep down her sobs before she finally broke away. Without looking back, her quick steps led her to the steps and out the front door. And she was gone. 

Sam’s eyes now blazed with fury as he turned on his brother. He had every intention of going off on his brother possibly even beating some sense into him. But the moment he turned around, all rage washed away the moment his hazel hues fell on Dean. The older man was leaned over the table, his face in his hands. He wasn’t making a sound but Sam could see the tremors in his body. The younger Winchester felt the ache deep in his chest as he quickly made his way to his brother’s side. No matter how strong of a face Dean had put on, it was clear he was just as broken about this as anyone. 

“Why didn’t you stop her?” Sam questioned quietly as a hand rested against his brother’s back. 

Dean’s hands washed down his face, the faint residue of a few tears yet to be shed in his eyes. He stared off at nothing, his tongue trailing slowly over his bottom lip. “She shouldn’t have to carry me. She can’t save me and she shouldn’t have to. She’s too good to live like this.” His head turned to gaze at his brother, his features so lost, so afraid. “I’m too broken, Sam. She deserves better.” 

That only seemed to break Sam’s heart into smaller pieces. “She didn’t care if you were broken, Dean. She was always there, always there to catch you, to hold you, to light your way. You can’t do this alone, Dean and she never would leave you alone. But you left her alone and now because of you she’s more broken than she could have ever been with you. So where were you, Dean, when /she/ needed /you/? You shattered her whole world and now there is no one to pick her up. Instead of saving her, Dean, you destroyed her. The hope in her world is gone because you wanted to be alone.” Sam found his anger again but he didn’t lash out. He simply let his words settle in before rising from his chair and leaving the room. 

Sitting in the war room, deadly silence surrounding him, he knew now that he was truly alone. The only thing he saw in the distance was darkness and not a speck of light. While living in fear of being alone, it was then that no one was left to hear his cries. His face fell into his hands again as he fell against the table finally allowing the sobs to take over his rigid form. Time passed slowly and agonizingly so. Left in his own pit of despair. Sam never returned, choosing to remain in his room because he couldn’t stand the sight of his own brother right now. 

Minutes, hours ticked by and it wasn’t until he heard the big metal door slam shut that Sam jumped up and ran back into the war room. Frantically searching for his brother, he felt that the elder would end up doing something stupid in a time of grief. By the time he was out the front door, the long haired man watched as the Impala peeled out and sped away down the dirt road. “Dean!!” But Dean wore a look of purpose and determination, emerald eyes not even casting a glance in the rearview. 

Sam stood there watching his brother disappear as the rain began to fall. At first it was just a soft mist but it quickly turned into a downpour forcing the tall man back into the bunker. The rain didn’t slow Dean down, though. The Impala’s wipers worked frantically to keep his sights clear. He had to be alert, he couldn’t miss her. He had to find her no matter how long it took. And when he rolled outside of Lebanon, it started to take a long time. A line of cars backed up on the highway brought the entire two lanes of traffic to a stand still. It wasn’t until the flashing lights shone brightly behind him that he figured an accident must have happened. 

To find out what was going on, he turned on his police scanner. The dispatcher and responding officers were talking about an accident, a young woman behind the wheel of an old junker. She had lost control of her vehicle in the rain and had flipped several times before landing in the drainage ditch outside of town. Dean’s brow wrinkled, feeling sorry for the poor woman who had to go through that. He wondered for only a moment what she could have been doing to cause her to lose control. 

But his casual attitude changed when the description of the car came over the radio. A rush of panic surged through his whole body. It couldn’t be her, she was one of the best drivers he knew. She could race backwards in a thunderstorm and not bat an eye. But she was crying when she left, her head wasn’t in the right place, her heart was broken. His mind went through the worst case scenario, playing out every possible reason it could or couldn’t be her. The radio sounded again, a fuzzy description of the woman that was still trapped in the car. She was alive but barely. He didn’t hesitate then. 

Jumping out of the car, he didn’t even bother to turn off the engine or take the keys or even close the door. As soon as his feet hit pavement, he ran as fast as he could go in the direction of the sirens. If it was her, he had to be there, he had to tell her everything he never said. He couldn’t let her be alone. With a loud voice, he flashed a badge quickly and pushed through the cops that tried to stop him. The rain was still coming down making the grass and dirt in the ditch slippery. One step off the highway and he was sliding down the mud and landing against the car where they were trying to get her out with the jaws of life. 

His whole world stopped then and there. He was hoping it wasn’t her. He was praying like he had never prayed before. But the moment he laid his eyes on that car, the moment he caught sight of that motionless body, he knew it was her. With the strength he never knew, he helped get the door off and pull her out of the car. His chest was heavy, heart racing as he fell back against the mud with her in his arms. The rain quickly soaked them both but Dean couldn’t feel anything. 

She was barely breathing and her body was so cold. He refused to let anyone else touch her except for the man that handed over a blanket. Everyone knew she wouldn’t make it up to the ambulance. They could sit it in her eyes, she was fading fast. And with her, Dean’s entire world was fading away as well. He tried to hold onto that little spark of hope, looking for that light in her eyes. His body began to rock her as the tears began. 

“I’m with you. I got you.” He spoke softly against her face. “You’re not alone. I’m not gonna leave you.” She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t move. But the moment their eyes locked, he saw that flash of love in her eyes, and the warmth of a gentle smile. He smiled back through the tears, his arms still tight around her. “I love you.” He uttered the words in a whisper, words that he had never uttered to anyone, words that were always just for her. And she heard them. She felt them. And then he was alone.


	2. Then He remembered

This wasn’t the first time he had to claw himself out of his own grave. He was starting to think it wouldn’t be the last. With how many times he had died, He would think after a while someone would burn his body and lock away his soul. And yet here he was, all in one piece and punching his fist through the pine wood box, covering himself with the dirt that was holding him back from the light. It would take him a while to make it to the top and by the time he collapsed in the grassy field, he was breathless and filthy. 

He had no recollection of where he was or how he had even died and ended up in the ground in the middle of nowhere. Honestly, he couldn’t say how long he had been gone or where he had been. The last thing he remembered was riding his new motorcycle down the interstate bound for nowhere. He had left the Impala at the bunker, leaving a note and the keys on the war room table for his brother to find. 

He remembered the sadness and the pain he felt as the cool air rushed through his hair. He couldn’t quite remember why he wasn’t wearing a helmet. But he knew his sorrow wasn’t from leaving his car, his brother, his only family. There was something more that ached deep inside him that caused him to run, give up everything he knew and just disappear. He couldn’t even remember if he had made it anywhere or if he had even stopped. Had Sam found him, brought him home or had he died on that interstate? So many questions and yet his grave held none of the answers. 

Much like the last time he was in this situation, he began to walk in search of the nearest place he could find a phone. Oddly enough, the place happened to look almost exactly like the last gas station he had broke into. He almost expected to hear Cas’s screeching blowing out his eardrums. Unlike last time though, he still had all his scars and there wasn’t a mysterious handprint on his shoulder. And he was not desperate need of water which should have seemed strange. At least there was a phone, only it didn’t even have a dial tone. 

“Figures.” He muttered, slamming down the receiver and stepping out of the phone booth. The damned thing should have been taken out years ago anyway. It was an antique by now. Time for plan B, he looked around only to find a bunch of wide open space, not a town or even a car in sight. Heaving a sigh, his shoulders slumped before he set out walking. All the while, prayers went out to his angel friend in hopes the trenchcoat wearing nerd would come and pick him up before he had to walk too far. Not that the Winchester luck would allow anything to be that easy, for what felt like hours later he was still walking down the long empty highway. 

The sun never moved and it wasn’t hot on his skin even though he had taken off his outer shirt and tied it around his waist. The longer he walked the more he started to think something wasn’t right. Then his mind wandered, thinking about everything. His reasoning for leaving, the reason for his great grief and where he could be if he wasn’t in his world. It wasn’t the first time he’d been transported to another world or even been in someone else’s dreams. Or he could even blame a Djinn. No matter what outcome came to mind, none of it ended well for him so he needed to get a plan together. 

Until he made it to the bunker, he hadn’t even stopped to think that maybe he wouldn’t find anyone there. If Dean had died, Sam would either be out finding a way to bring him back or somewhere living a life outside of hunting, at least Dean could hope those were the only two options opposed to the third option. Which was Sam was dead as well. 

The moments before he woke up in the ground were fuzzy, from a long time ago, or gone all together. He knew he was a hunter, knew he was pushing forty, knew he had a brother and an angel was his best friend. He drove an Impala that belonged to his dad who died by the hand of the demon that also killed his mom. The king of hell was on his speed dial and he once had the mark of Cain. He remembered being a demon and the pull he had to Amara, the darkness disguised as a beautiful woman that held some kind of bond with him because of the mark. That mark, even though it wasn’t on his skin, was still part of his soul. 

Then he remembered.

His steps froze and his knees buckled beneath him as the memories came flooding back. She had been with them for years, an old friend of Sam’s that they crossed paths with from time to time. He hadn’t meant to fall in love but he felt complete when she said she felt the same. For a while, having her was enough. Then things started to change. He could say that the moment the change happened was the second he took on the mark. It was a slow digression but she hung around as it got worse and worse. 

She even stuck around when he was a demon, never giving up on him even though he said awful things to her and tried to kill her. She was there to hold him while he cried, cling to him during his nightmares. She was even there when he released Amara. She would have been there through it all if he hadn’t pushed her away, closed himself off from her. If he wouldn’t have given into Amara. Then he remembered the last time they spoke. There was yelling and tears and he just stood there. She walked out with no plan of ever turning back. 

By this time, Dean’s body trembled with his sobs because the last memory he had of her was when he was holding her in his arms and saying goodbye. He waited too long to go after her and he was too late to save her. His expression of love was years too late and they were the last words she heard before she took her final breath. Dean was on all fours, feeling sick from pain, sorrow, guilt and regret, crying as the world around him began to darken and rain began to pour from the heavens. 

He remembered now. 

It was a rainy day, fitting to his dark and gloomy mood. He was driving too fast, his mind on his sorrows instead of on the road. The motorcycle couldn’t stay under control on the wet asphalt and Dean had no handle on the speeding vehicle. It didn’t hurt when he hit the tree. No, the pain didn’t come until the bike flipped end over end and landed on him before rolling down the hill over and over. He was gone before he ever hit the bottom of the gulch. 

How long ago this had happened, he didn’t know but now that he looked, really looked, he could see the signs that the accident left behind. He was starting to think he hadn’t come back to life at all but that the grave was his entrance into the afterlife. He had been to hell before and this was nothing in comparison though the ache in his chest was hell enough on him. It sure as hell wasn’t Purgatory. That was a place he would never forget. 

Could he be in heaven? He didn’t deserve to go there, he was the last person that was worthy. If this was heaven, what kind of heaven was this? Big and empty, crawling out of a grave. He had plenty of happy memories that would be on reply. Why was this the best he got? And who was he to be complaining? As he laid there, in the rain and mud, his eyes drowned with tears and his body shivered. He wallowed in his own guilt and self hatred that he didn’t even notice that he was no longer alone. 

“Your brother is trying to get you back.” Chuck’s voice caused him to look up with a start. “But I don’t think you want to go back.” His eyes were soft and compassionate and he sympathized with the broken hunter. Kneeling down, a hand tucked under Dean’s chin and he smiled ruefully. “Come with me.” He stated and Dean was going to argue but when his eyes locked with God’s, the rain and emptiness was gone. Instead he was standing outside a building that looked familiar. 

Chuck helped the taller man to his feet, the man’s smile changing to one of more happiness. “This is…” Dean started, his tears had dried and his eyes were wide as he looked around at his surroundings. Chuck’s head nodded and he chuckled. “Is she-” Dean’s words were frantic and full of anxious hope. Chuck nodded again and his lips pulled apart in a wide smile when he saw the life and joy spark in the hunter’s eyes. 

“Dean?” The voice was timid and quiet but he would know it anywhere. His head flew around to look at the top of the stairs. This was how she looked when he first laid eyes on her. Just some run down motel on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t special to anyone. But this was when Dean’s life had changed forever. 

“Y/N.” He breathed before the both sprinted toward each other. THe moment she hit the bottom step, she leapt into his arms and with tears in her eyes, her lips crashed against his, her arms and legs tight around him. 

He returned the tearful greeting, clinging to his everything, his one and only, the girl that had been right in front of his eyes for years, the one he pushed and prodded and broke. The women had had lost because of his pride. He had waited so long to finally realize her worth to him and it was too late. But now he had her in his arms again and everything felt right. 

“You died?” She questioned with a hint of sadness mingled with her gladness. 

“Motorcycle.” He muttered as his forehead rested against hers, the one word seemingly enough of an explanation for her to understand. 

“Sam?” 

“He’ll be ok.” Chuck interjected. “Just be happy with what’s right in front of you. Let me take care of everything else.” He smiled sweetly before leaving them in a blink of an eye. 

“I love you.” Dean said, aloud for the first time in his life. “I love you so much and I should have said-” 

She interrupted him with a firm kiss, smile on her lips. “Better late than never, Winchester.” They both laughed before they kissed again. “I love you too. I’ll love you forever.”


End file.
